Foreword by Jack. T. Hammer

Foreword by Jack. T. Hammer

What are you supposed to write in a foreword for an autobiography? Anything interesting about Richard should be included in the book itself. Although, I have noticed a few omissions that he's made, probably just to protect his loved ones. Well, I can't in good conscience let this book be printed knowing that Richard has purposefully omitted certain salacious information just so that he doesn't have to explain to his young children what a "transexual prostitute" or  a "half 'n' half" are. This book is supposed to be the truth. Unfettered. Unfiltered. Un....boring. The people love filthy, celebrity secrets. I already had to knock £250,000 off of his advance because he's never been sexually abused. I know it's disgusting, but you can't sell a book these days unless someone has been sexually abused, or had cancer. Publishers are having a nightmare.

Anyway, to bump up the sales, here are certain truths that I know about Richard that he doesn't want you to know:

- He once came second in a Vanilla Ice impersonation competition.
- His mother is not from Indonesia. In fact, I'm pretty sure he made "Indonesia" up. She's from China, or Japan, something like that.
- He can't swim.
- He is allergic to latex body suits.
- Me and him once "accidentally" killed a prostitute and pinned it on a friend of ours. He is now in prison for a long time.
- He's never been to Scotland.

I had the brilliant idea of Richard writing a book after I read Lance Armstrong's book, Winning is Nothing Newticle to Me. People love stories about someone having to overcome difficulties and coming out the other side a better, richer, more famous person. All I needed was the right public figure.

I had known Richard Howarth for quite some time. We ran in similar circles, had similar hobbies and had made love to a lot of the same women, sometimes even separately. He was known for being an extremely private person, even at the mass orgies at his home he would insist on everybody wearing a mask. Getting him to divulge all the intimate details of his life wouldn't be easy, but I'd give it a go.

I picked up the phone to my assistant and had her pick up the phone to Richard.

"Richard, it's The Jack Hammer" I said.

"Who's this?" He replied.

That surprised me, my name is very distinctive. I have only ever known one other Jack Hammer and he, sadly, is no longer with us. He was a fine gentleman, he made top quality pornography. He lost his leg to a viscous STD and was later run over by an ice cream van. But I digress.

"Don't be silly you motherfucker, it's me, Jacky Boy, The Juggernaut, White Chocolate, The Hammer of Love" - I continued in this vein for quite some time before realising that my assistant had connected me to my father-in-law, Reverend Richard O'Sullivan, it was extremely awkward for me, but it was an honest mistake on her behalf that I will, of course, ruin her career over.

I got my old assistant to hire me a new assistant before she left. Then I got my new assistant to ring around all the agencies to make sure she'd never work again. I then sent her some flowers to show that there were no hard feelings.

When I finally got through to Richard he wasn't as reluctant to write the book as I thought he would be. We came to a mutual understanding, he likes large sums of cash and I have some. I wrote him and cheque and told him to write the book. I only had three caveats:

He would have to ask me to write the foreword.
He would have to complete it in less than 7 months because I had third quarter targets to meet.
It would have to be about sexy vampires having sexy sex with young women.

Naturally, Richard agreed to meet my first two conditions without any fuss (it was an honour for me to be asked to write his foreword), but he fought me on the third point.

"This is supposed to be a book about me, a successful businessman, and how I attained my position of power", he said.

"Change the word "businessman" for vampire and "power" to missionary and you've got a deal", I said with the authority of a man confident in the size of his penis.

I spent hours trying to convince Richard to write about vampires. I told him how all new books have to be about vampires. That I'm even re-issuing old books with the titles changed to attract new readers (The content is the same but I just put a photo of Robert Pattinson on the front and change the title. They sell in the millions. My biggest seller last year was Jane Austen's Vampire Pride, Vampire Prejudice & Sex with Young Women. Genius). Richard just plain refused.

So, I'm here to tell you that despite the fact that there is a photograph of a sexy vampire on the front of this book, there will be no further mention of sexy vampires having sex with young women anywhere else in it. I understand your disappointment. It's pretty much a story about a man who was raised by wild animals, won the lottery, lost a leg, married a model and shot Osama Bin Laden. BOOOORRRIIIIING. But you've bought the book now so you might as well read it anyway.

Enjoy

The Jack Hammer.